“Dad” dreams

Disturbing dreams. Dreams of my biological dad. Meeting with him….getting lots of names . Lots of distinct things. I get a name of a kid I went to high school with…. He was always in trouble.  Him and another kid, his cousin…. Always in trouble. I start thinking, one of these kids, his mom, is married to my biological dad. Would that make him a stepbrother? Yuck!

All of these names, him, his mom, my dad. In my dream I get all these names, and it leads me to a criminal website. From this website it tells me that my biological dad is living in a nearby area. Sad that I would have to keep track of him through a criminal website.

Im  having these dreams almost every single night, and they seem to be a continuation of one another. In one dream I send my stepdad a card telling him that I am thankful that he stepped up as a father figure in my life when my biological dad didn’t. I tell him that I know I didn’t make life easy for him but I appreciate what he did and life’s too short and uncertain to not let him know that. My stepdad and I did not have a great relationship. I played the tough card my whole life thinking just because my real dad ditched me didn’t mean I needed anyone else to take his place.

Continuing on, comes a dream of me meeting with my biological dad for closure. In my dream I remember feeling strongly that I needed to share a few things with him. Things like me wanting him to know that I have no happy memories of him… Things that he missed out on like walking me down the aisle when I got married… He never saw my kids…just being there… He missed out….not me…. Things like I’ve never called anybody “dad” in my life.

My oldest memory of him was when I was nine years old having to walk alone into the beer tent at a fairgrounds to see the “dad” that was too lazy to come out and see me. My next memory was at age 18 at the races seeing him, talking to him and not being very impressed. Years passed and again I seem to run into him more than ever. At gas stations, grocery stores, grocery aisles, parking lots. I remember distinctly making eye contact with him thinking that maybe he’d remember who I was or recognize me or say something… Maybe he would feel bad. Just looking for some reaction, but nothing as if he was a stranger. Why would I expect anything though after all, he signed off his rights.

So why, years later would I feel such a strong need to meet with him to cut the ties. Secretly I wonder if he’s ever had any regrets about his choices.

The path he’s chosen in his life has not been a good one, and for that alone I don’t want him near me or my family. The people that he surrounds himself with are trouble and that’s one reason why I’m scared to connect.

For the record, I do not want a relationship with him… I want to cut ties completely…for good. How do you get complete closure though and stay completely anonymous…non traceable?

My dreams continue, same dreams every time but with add-ons. This particular night I get a dream that tells me to go to mugshots.com. Are you kidding me? Is there really a website called mugshots.com? The answer to that is yes, yes there is and it was like a family reunion when I got there.

In the midst of these dreams I have a dream about my boss bringing a bear cub for a pet to where we live. The thing chased me every time I got near it. I asked my bosses wife if we had to keep it and she just said absolutely not…. My other boss just kept telling me “it will be fiiiiiinnnneee!” Waving his arm in the air like it was just no big deal. It will be fine kept ringing through.

Then in the midst of these dreams once again, I have a dream that I am cleaning their house and there are mice running all over the rafters. I am scared to death of mice but my boss picks two of these mice up and throws them at my feet. I close my eyes and scream but nothing would come out of my mouth but air. My boss once again waves his hands and tells me it will be fine. I wake up and can hardly breathe like I’m having a panic attack.

I’ve said before I don’t put much significance on some of these dream interpretation meanings… But I decided to look up what the bear significance could mean and what the mice significance could mean. The bear meant I could be dealing with anger within myself or it is triggering a fear that I am dealing with. The mice said I’ve been spending too much time dealing with insignificant matters. Both very interesting and make sense to me. I’m not sure what part my boss had in it other then him telling me it will be fine. I think the part I was supposed to take from that was the ” it will be fine”part.

Feeling a need for closure but not sure how to make that happen. Everyone around me tells me it’s gonna be BAD news if I meet up with my biological dad. Well how the heck am I supposed to get done with this? For petes sake I don’t even wanna sleep anymore…my mind can’t take these dreams anymore.

Now back to the part of my dream where I bought my stepdad a card thanking him for stepping up…. As you could imagine, Father’s Day was coming up. Just so you know every year, I spend time picking a Father’s Day card out for him that is just a simple happy Father’s Day card… None of this mushy “oh we’ve had such a perfect life” crap…. Just a simple happy Father’s Day card, because that’s what you’re supposed to do.

So this year, I am drawn to a deeper card… One that actually says dad on it. I sit down at the table and start writing. I didn’t seal the envelope though. I left it sitting on the table for a few days. In my mind I guess I thought I didn’t really have to send it out yet. Maybe I didn’t have to send it at all. Maybe I could just go buy a generic card and send that. So I didn’t put a stamp on it. Every day I walked past the table I looked at that card. So today I decided to put a stamp on it. That was my next step in getting it to my mailbox.

The card finally made its way to the mailbox. A few hours later when we passed the mailbox the flag was still up. I thought to myself that I could probably still take that card out and replace it with a generic one. See these are the mind games that I played with myself… All over a Father’s Day card. When I went back down later the flag was down so I knew that the card had gone. Well now I just wait and see.

I wasn’t expecting any grand gesture from my stepdad. But I will tell you, the day that that card left my mailbox…. My dreams of my biological dad stopped… They completely stopped. To this day I have not had another. My closure came from letting my biological dad go and giving credit where credit was due to my stepdad.

Still amazed at how the brain can be so complex and reveal such amazing things to us if we only just quiet ourselves….and listen.

✌🏻 

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