Last Friday my son had shoulder surgery. He is 19 years old, but still my baby. He came home with us to recover for a while. What I learned in having him here and somewhat dependent on me is that he is the void I’ve been missing. When he’s around I’m happy.
I’ve found myself lately in a slight ,I don’t wanna say depression, but it guess that is probably it. I’ve found myself down in the dumps, and kinda sad. Going about my days in the same old routine…which is normally fine because that’s the way my life is.
However having Austin around has given me purpose…it’s in a sense like having a little child again totally dependent on you to make sure they get their medicine on time, that they have enough to eat, that they are warm enough, that they are as comfortable as you can make them, trying to keep their spirits up so they don’t get in a slump…you play endless games of Yahtzee to try to keep their mind off of pain, you are awake when they are awake, you sleep when they sleep.
This all comes at a cost though. Austin is filling a void I’ve been missing, but at what cost? He’s in pain, he’s going stir crazy being laid up in a house, he wants to be independent but there’s certain things he can’t so for himself. I overdo… I’m constantly asking what I can do for him, even things I know he can do for himself. It comes back to me wanting him to need me. I just want that little boy back that only needed me. I wonder how on earth he would get through this if he wasn’t here. He would. I guess he’d have to. The cost–I’m serving my own selfish needs through his pain….through his situation.
Mom of the year award goes to…….😞
I like to take care of people, make sure their needs are met. I honestly don’t know what I’m going to do when he goes home and I’m not there for him 24/7. When my daughter had her appendix out it was the same situation. I didn’t even want to let her dad take care of her because he wouldn’t do it the same as me.
My love for my kids is so great… So huge. There’s not a thing I wouldn’t do for them. I need them far more than they need me, and I’m okay with that.
I have to learn though that my happiness cannot come from them. They can BRING me happiness but my happiness cannot come FROM them. I’m not being the best mom I can be if my only happiness comes from them filling my voids. And honestly what pressure that puts on my kids. How Selfish of me. What pressure to put on your kids having them worry about if YOU are happy or not.
So as I sit here writing this, watching his chest rise and fall while he sleeps… All I see is my little boy…the little boy I want to hold in my arms and hug all his pain away. Let the whole world fade… And while I have him here I will cherish every moment.
And when the time comes for him to want to go home, I will trust that he will be okay.
And at that time, I will have to trust that I, too…… Will be….okay…