The great pretender 

Well it may appear that I’ve fallen off the face of the earth. I haven’t posted anything for a long time. I guess in a way I HAVE fallen off the radar. Been a crazy year that’s for sure. Very enlightening! 

Sometimes you learn that you have walked the same path as others and had no clue. You find that you have so much in common with someone that it’s almost scary. Suddenly so many things make sense. You’ve shared in good times throughout your life and also shared similar times that almost broke you. When you learn something about someone that absolutely breaks your heart and you know that you are maybe the only one to relate because you also have been there. When people aren’t as they seem. When good people appear bad and when horrible people seem so good. It makes you question every…single…person. You don’t trust. 
I’m the first to admit that I automatically judge a person by what I see. I’m not proud of that. It’s something I’m working on, because some of the scariest looking, tattooed, pierced people have turned out to be some of the nicest people who have an amazing story to tell. Some of the seemingly great, nice sweet people have turned out to be the most fake with the coldest heart and meanest spirit. 

This past year has definitely been a time of reflection for me. I’ve lost people in my life, some hit me very hard….some didn’t hit me at all. I’ve ALMOST lost very important people in my life, and in the meantime almost completely lost myself. Almost. It was a daily struggle to find me. I can’t say that to this day that I have yet, but I’m working on it. 

Trust me, being the old me who pretended like everything was ok all the time was so much easier to be. This dealing with crap is really for the birds. It’s not easy. It’s downright hard. All my life I’ve swept things under the rug. Didn’t deal. Pretended. But all at once something happens and it forces you to deal. It forces you to find a way. Because you know if you don’t nothing that is familiar to you will remain. 

Sometimes I think life shouldn’t be this hard. I’ve always had the mentality that things should be free and easy and then you truly know you’re on the right path. If they aren’t free and easy you are doing something wrong . God says. “Knock and the door will be opened”, basically simple. He doesn’t say pound, push, or bulldoze…He says knock. So in life when things just seem soooo damn hard I wonder….hmmm, what is it that I’m missing? Really though- everything in life worth it is worth fighting for. Guess that seems contradictory doesn’t it? It makes sense in my mind that’s all that matters.😛

It boils down to this- I can’t save the world. I can’t fix everyone. As much as I want to be able to take everyone’s pain, and “fix” it, I can’t. I’ve had very meaningful conversations lately with people who are very close to me and all I want to do is “fix” them. I need to put my eyes back on me and work on me. I’m no good to anyone if I’m not me. I need to let go of the pukes that take up space in my mind. 
And to anyone reading this that is struggling in any way shape or form know that people come and go in your life for a reason. Pay attention to people that come and give you any sort of a gut feeling-good or bad. They say people come as a blessing or a lesson. Pay attention. Never settle…on or for anything. Be your own you. Learn to love yourself. (Yes I need to take my own advice)



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