Emotionally spent

Here I sit, 12 days since my Gram passed away…unable to cry. I feel completely emotionless, blank, numb.

I’m the one who cries over absolutely everything-commercials on tv, seeing something moving in complete strangers, words to a song, fleeting thoughts—yet one of the most important people in my life has died and I can’t even make the tears come.  What is wrong with me????

I cried in the hospital as I watched my mom and aunt hold her hands as she took her last breath. I cried when my strong uncle grabbed me and hugged me and sobbed. To have my kids there right by my side. I cried with many people that night as we called and let them know what had happened. Then I left the hospital and didn’t shed a tear until the day of the funeral.

I didn’t go in right away to see her. Part of me had made my mind up that I wasn’t going to. I wanted to remember her in a different way. My mom told me that I would probably regret not seeing her, so eventually I did.

Surprisingly, I didn’t cry as much as I anticipated. I don’t know why. I was greeted by a cousin who said something to the tune of me being the one that was going to be really hard to see that day. There were about a half dozen people or so that when I saw them, they didn’t have to say a word and I cried. I cried during the service when they played the video clip I had on my phone of Gram playing her organ singing “Doodley Doo”. To hear her voice again, to see her smile again…..
Then just like that it was over and we were on our way back to my moms house. We talked on the way home about how it didn’t seem real. Mom said that for a second she thought she better call Gram when she gets home to tell her about today—-as if we hadn’t just been at her funeral and wanted to let her know how the day went. Strange.
And since that day-I…have…not…cried. I’ve experienced extreme pain as if my heart is actually breaking but that is as far as it goes.
I was baking Christmas cookies and listening to Christmas music. I’ll be home for Christmas came on. I got THEE most vivid vision that Gramp held his hand out to Gram and she stood and they danced. It was surreal. She stood and they danced-gazing into each others eyes, smiling-singing,as if they KNEW. that “she’d be home for Christmas”….. It was so real. Under normal circumstances the very THOUGHT of that would make me bawl…. just WRITING it would make me bawl. But I can’t… Why?
I feel horrible guilt for not being able to feel emotion through this. Someone soooo special to me….and I can’t cry. I feel that by not crying it is portraying that I don’t care. And I do-boy do I care!

I spoke with a cousin the other day and she had similar feelings- maybe it hadn’t hit her yet, or maybe she was just at such peace. I just don’t know. Gram wouldn’t want me feeling guilty. She’d want me rejoicing that she is free from all the health issues she had and is reunited with so many loved ones.
This feeling of being numb and blank is so foreign to me. I can’t cry- I’m snapping at things, having “who cares” moments, blocking people out, all of that and more, along with being incredibly thankful that I had the time with Gram that I did.
Wishing that if only I could have known this was going to happen I would have kept her living with us for a few months longer. In the back of my mind I always wondered if she would pass away while living with us. Was she at our house for a reason and was that to make her final months the best they could be for her? She loved it here and what better place for her be? But I can’t live in the “what ifs” or “hmmms” or “should we haves”.
I’m not intentionally being “unfeeling” I am just trying to get through this and figure it all out. It’s been a hell of a year-I love you Gram-more than you ever could have imagined-& Im certain that you will show up in ways that there will be no guessing its you. ❤️ And also, just as importantly I hope I find the old me again-I don’t care for this new one.

✌️

Oh Kenny, the things you make me think…

Today as we sat eating supper (my Gram says calling it dinner is for the  “rich folk”-unless it’s Sunday, then it’s dinner)haha- but as we sat eating supper we started having a conversation about our earliest memories. 

Let me rewind a bit. My Gram has been staying with us this entire month after the passing of my grandpa. Yesterday on the radio Kenny Chesneys song “Don’t Blink” came on. That dang Kenny gets me every time. I’ve written about it before-first your kids are little then all grown with their own, don’t blink, getting poured a glass of milk instead of whiskey, that’s the good stuff, there goes my life, but now that little girl is my whole life, Dangit Kenny! You always make me cry. Oh and want to plant my toes in the water & patoot in the sand and maybe dream about having a beer down in Mexico.

Anyhoo…. I hear the lyrics “a hundred years goes faster than you think, don’t blink”. I was sitting next to my Gram and thought, “Man, she’s 90, I wonder if she’d say it went faster than she thought.” It made me think of how much has changed in her 90 years of life. Then made me wonder to myself what her earliest memory was. She told me it was walking with her dad and she was smarting off, he squeezed her hand and shook it-never said a word, never hollered and it was at that point she knew he meant business and all he had to do was give her a look and she knew she better behave. She figures she was maybe 5 years old. Wow, to remember something some 85 years ago so clearly. 

This made me think of mine. After much brain racking, a few messages and a long phone call to my mom I’ve gotten it narrowed down to around age 3. This was when that nasty mean neighbor boy pushed me down on the sidewalk and split my chin open. I don’t actually remember it happening but I remember the sidewalk and what the house looked like that we lived in. 

That whole conversation sparked so many memories and names of people I’d forgotten about, places we lived, things we did. Flashback for sure. It’s funny the things we remember. The things that stick out to us. 

I hope when I’m 90 ( if I’m blessed enough to make it that long) I have the same recollections as my Gram. I hope I never lose the ability to tell a good story, to make people laugh at all the crazy things that happened to me throughout my life. 

May I appreciate all moments in time, whether good or bad because you don’t get those moments back to redo how you’d handle them. You do the best you can with each day you are given and at the end of it you pat yourself on the back and say way to go, you made it!  With any luck you will have an abundance of wild tales & words of wisdom  to tell your grandkids someday.

✌️