Who am I 

When you lose …you

If someone were to ask you “Who are you?” How would you respond? This question has haunted me for a long, long time, because I do not know-who…I…am.

I’m sure when put on the spot I would casually say, “Well, I’m Missy. I’m Mark’s wife, Sam & Austins mom, Connors grandma.” Then I am sure you’d say, “Yes you are all of those things, but WHO…ARE…YOU?

I’d probably say something like, “Well, I’m a wife, a mom, a grandma….” You’d stop me and say, “NO… who are you?”

I’d say, “I love to cook and bake, I love to help people. I’m sometimes a people person, sometimes a loner…” You’d say, “I did not ask you what you do, I asked you WHO-ARE-YOU???
I’d probably stare blankly at you now, because the answer to that question is one I do not know. Even writing this I struggle with the answer. I stress over the fact that if anyone were to ever REALLY ask me that question, it’s scary to say I STILL won’t know how to answer.

How do I find the answer? Can anyone really answer that question? And if they can…why can’t I? Where lies the answer to this deep question? Then, out of no where into my mind pops the song “Who am I” by Casting Crowns. God hears us, He hears our cries, He knows exactly what we need-exactly when we need it.

It lies where I knew it lied all along. I guess I don’t really need to know the answer, who am I? Because God knows who I am. That needs to be good enough for me.  Just breathe…

✌️️

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Moments time stood still

Have you ever had things happen in your life that took your breath away? That seemed as though time stood still? Here is a list of some of the things throughout my life where time actually seemed to stop…for even just a brief second that seemed like a thousand years. The times where you always remember where you were when it happened. Where the whole room became silent as if you were the only ones there. In no particular order:

*Seeing my daughters big bright eyes open moments after giving birth to her, looking around,so alert.  Did I just create this beautiful little girl?

*The final push I gave when having Austin. The last push I didn’t think I had in me. Hearing the Dr say, “One more and you’ve got it.” Hearing Mark say “I know you can do this Mis-”

*Hearing my daughter in excruciating pain as she was giving birth to her own baby. Knowing this was one of those moments I couldn’t just rush in and hug her and reassure her it was going to be okay.

*Seeing my grandson Connor for the first time, eyes open laying on his moms chest…my grandson-to finally meet the boy I fell so in love with before I even knew him.

*Finding out I was going to have a baby for the first time. In that split second when I saw the pregnancy test results a flood of emotions from “Oh no!” To “Really?” To “How am I gonna do this?” To “What is Mark gonna think?” To “Wow…really?” All of those emotions seems to flood in at the same exact moment.

*Finding out I lost a baby.

*Finding out God blessed me with another baby on the way.

*Having a procedure done in a Drs office where I almost bled to death. The dr wouldn’t let me call my husband and told me to drive home and take Tylenol. We didn’t have cell phones then. So I listened to him and thankfully I made it. As he hit an artery and I almost passed out from extreme blood loss I saw the room go dark and thought my time had come. What an asshole that dr was!

*Watching my son get wheeled off to have shoulder surgery. There’s nothing like hugging him and seeing him go. I knew he’d be okay but when you see fear in your child’s eyes and can’t do a thing to fix it, it is really hard. Watching him get wheeled off seemed like it took an eternity.

*My first kiss. We played a stupid game where we had to look at each other straight in the eye and whoever looked away first had to kiss the other one. How stupid. I lost,but also didn’t make the first move. Not aggressive that way. Haha

*Seeing who would someday be my future husband for the first time. I was roller skating with a friend and he wheeled by and man did I think he was cute! Who knew? 😉

*The first time my future husband kissed me. I won’t forget. Once again we were roller skating. (it was THEE place to be) I was skating along and he wheeled up in front of me, very cool just turned himself around so he was skating backward so he was facing me- and said “I’m gonna kiss you now.” And he did. And off he went. 😍

*Writing my name with my future husbands last name on everything I owned. Who doesn’t do that?  Don’t say you haven’t done that!

*Hearing my grandma had breast cancer. There are no words when someone you love so much gets news like that. I remember calling her the night before her mastectomy and making sure she knew God and loved Him. I seriously thought she might die in that surgery and I needed to know where she stood.

*Phone calls in the middle of the night from my sister. They were never pleasant. Always scared the day lights out of me. I always regretted those calls but was always glad she called me and I was there.

*Finding out I was going to be a grandma. Numerous times. There is no greater joy than that of a baby. Especially when your babies are having babies.

*Hearing my son for the first time ever be sooo excited about this new girl he met. He brought her to meet us and they really clicked. I remember going to bed that night whispering to my husband “I like her…” And he said “I do too…” I remember calling my daughter saying, “she fits right in, like she’s been here forever.” He’s had other girlfriends but none has he ever spoke so intently about. At the time I thought to myself  “We will see, at first they ALL seem to be ‘the one’…” But hearing him so excited, as never before made me stop and think about his future for a moment and what it  might bring. Now I know that she completes him, and they are getting married!

*Getting life changing news

*Dealing with losses from both my children. There is nothing worse than the calls or messages saying that my children have lost a child. Each and every time my heart felt as though it stopped. I dropped to the ground. I dropped my phone. There’s nothing worse than that feeling of helplessness and that you can’t do a single thing to fix this.

I’m certain there are many more things that made time stand still. These are just a few highlights. The ones that came to mind instantly. I cherish all of them good or bad. They’ve strengthened me. Appreciate everything you go through. They truly all have a purpose.

✌️

Christmas~Family~Legacies

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Absolutely one of my favorite times of the year. There’s really something magical about Christmas! (When things are going well that is….my blog from last years Christmas was not as happy!) I just love throwing on some Kenny G and digging Christmas decorations out. Just makes me mellow.

I used to love when the kids would line up all their ornaments on the floor, reminiscing about each one. I went through various stages at Christmastime as we became empty nesters. Our first year here as empty nesters I cried doing all this because I still had my sons ornaments (our daughter had been on her own for a few years and had all hers-although the first year I put the tree up without hers was equally as hard!). I remember thinking back to each one remembering details of why they got the ornament they did that year. So I cried. The second year here my son now had his ornaments, so I was a bit more used to it but the kids weren’t getting along and that made me mad…I didn’t have the Christmas spirit- I was bitter and angry and actually took the tree down before Christmas even came! So I cried. This third year here I started thinking about putting the tree up so I sent my son a message telling him if he felt like he was missing out on Kenny G and me bawling my head off he was welcome to come up for the day! Haha ! Well little did I know he decided to come up and help me put up and decorate the tree!  He and his fiancé! I know he could have been doing a ton of other things and I know just the thought of Kenny G makes his ears bleed but he was a trooper! I appreciated that so much! The gift of time is a precious thing!

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This was our grandsons first Christmas. It was so fun! He’s at a very fun stage right now where his mind is so curious and he’s so active. As all kids he could have cared less about his gifts and more so loved the paper. His obsession right now is cell phones, laptop cords, all the things he is not supposed to have. He is perfect, and so much fun! He also got his first haircut (at 6 mos old)and has just recently started eating solid food. He enjoyed some morning playtime with Uncle Austin and loves when he hears Auntie Allyshas voice! He was a bit taken with her this weekend! Let me thank my beautiful daughter and son in law, without who we would not have this beautiful bundle of joy!  

     

    This was our first year hosting Christmas with my side of the family and had a great turnout. A few families could not make it and they certainly were missed, but we still ended up with about 22. Lots of food, lots of fun! Games and outdoor play for the kids, fellowship and cameraderie for the adults.

img_0689 It was great to spend time with family, especially my Gram who will be turning 90. Still full of spit and vinegar now more than ever! We had lots of fun doing selfies with Gram!  image

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My niece was born on Christmas Day so I always feel bad for her having to celebrate both at the same time. Although my daughter phrased it perfectly- “You are so special that God chose you to share the same birthday with His Son.” I like to try to keep things separate for her and make it as special as I can. She got an amazing new flat iron from Sam and Jordon and a girly goodie basket and things from us. We took her out for dinner and they gave her an Oreo ice cream drink. I was very thankful to have some time with her! She always puts others ahead of herself, would rather give than receive, and it was great to spoil her a bit and make it about only her!          The weekend ended with all of us in the man cave playing cards and just hanging out! Absolutely LOVE weekends like this!

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I am very thankful to be able to spend as much time with my family as I do. You hope you make a difference in their lives when you see them and that you are creating a legacy that they will remember throughout their lives.  It makes my heart happy to spend time with them, to see them making it, making good choices, living happy lives, doing the right things regardless of their circumstances.  My husband reassured and told me this weekend as I got emotional over so many things that I was seeing the fruits of my labor in action this weekend, that living by example is such a profound thing. That there is always someone watching how you live, how you choose to deal.

I am so blessed! I hope you all had a great Christmas and that it carries into the new year!

✌🏻

*side note* Allysha LOVED her new selfie stick! 😜

Chasing life

Every once in a while you run across something that rocks your entire world. Something that really makes you think. In my case it happens to be a tv show. A series on Netflix of all things. It’s really amazing how a TV show can impact you so profoundly. I guess you have to be in the right frame of mind to accept it though. 

Chasing Life….. In the last two days I watched the entire season. Don’t judge. I have no responsibilities right now as my husband was gone on a hunting trip, I have no kids in the house anymore, my only responsibility is me…and my dog-who eats, sleeps & poops and starts the whole process over again, and honestly I’m the simplest person in the world to take care of-totally content eating cereal for supper or chips and dip for breakfast. I’m pretty easy to take care of. 

This show sucked me in. It’s about a girl who has been diagnosed with leukemia. Long story short, it’s about living in the moment because you just never know. It seems so cliche to always be preaching the whole “live each moment like it was your last” and as I said before sometimes you have to be in the right mind frame to accept things and to allow them to make a difference. 

One character in the show had brain cancer. He spent his time making other people’s last wishes come true, making the end for them the best it could be. Never worried about himself-had the attitude he wasn’t going to be around anyway so he didn’t matter. But what happened was he found worth, he found value and his attitude changed. He always put others first but found happiness for himself along the way. He had the attitude that he was going to live in the moment, because a moment is just that and can be gone before you know it. He did crazy things, he broke rules, he had fun and most importantly he lived…if you can’t be crazy in the moment with people you love then what’s the point? I’m not saying you should blatantly disregard responsibilities, be totally irresponsible, neglect what’s “right”…but there has to be much freedom in just once in a while saying the heck with it all and living in the moment. 

Do things in the moment that feel right & understand that where you are right now, this very second is where your are supposed to be.  Wanna tell someone how you feel? Tell them. Wanna hug someone or kiss someone? Do it. Wanna help someone with something? Help. Something you need to say? Say it.  Fall. Be vulnerable. Laugh! Say something stupid & not care what people might think. Maybe for once in your life—be honest. Mistakes made are all part of your story. What kind of legacy do you want to leave behind? It shouldn’t take cancer to make a person live. 

One thing is for sure-this worldly life here on earth is short. Why not make the most of it? Dont wait for cancer to come and steal your joy-or anything or anyone else for that matter. LIVE! Have fun! Be spontaneous! Leave a legacy that will make your kids, grandkids & generations to come be proud! Let them say “Whatever he/she had…I want that!” Just get out there and live! (Says the girl who just binge watched 21 episodes of Chasing Life😉) And if you choose to spend your time this way-more power to ya! Just do it! Whatever “it” is….do it. 

Peace! ✌🏻️

A whole new love

Im a grandma!!!!!!

I have recently been blessed with the birth of my new grandson-Connor Isaac Komarek. He was born Saturday, June 13 @ 9:16 pm. He weighed 8 lbs 11 oz and was 20 1/2 inches long. He was born 10 days early. He is perfect! Here is his first picture taken when he was just a few minutes old.

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He was so alert and bright eyed. He looked exactly like his momma, my daughter when she was born.  I actually had dreams about this little guy and saw what he looked like in them. I couldn’t wait to meet him to see if my dreams were accurate, and they were!!! He looked exactly how I dreamt he would!

I thought he would be born the 12th because 12 seems to be a very important number for my daughter and her husband. Their first date was on the 12th, they got engaged on the 12th, married on the 12th…why not have a baby on the 12th? But he came a day later. My husband said “It works perfect he was born a day later. It’s like it is “their” day plus one… And Connor is their plus one. Plus now he has his OWN day.” How perfect!  Speaking of my hubby-here is a photo of him-the proud Papa! He has a love for this little boy like no other.

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As my daughter was delivering I paced those halls like an expecting father who wasn’t allowed in the room. My husband went for food-my daughter had wanted Jimmy johns the very second that she could eat. Haha ! So he  ran for food and I stayed. I wasn’t going to be in the delivery room unless she needed me. I was “on call”. I paced and paced and wore a path in that carpet. I got by her door and could hear labor progressing. I would slow down by her door and go a little faster as I went down the hall in the opposite direction. Honestly I probably would have just hung outside right by her door the entire time, but didn’t want the nurses To kick me out for being a stalker.  I got back by her room and heard a screech like no other-I believe that was when she was pushing the shoulders out–and that was enough for me to plug my ears and run into the room the had prepared for them down the hall after she delivered. I could not take hearing her in so much pain! I got to their room and my husband just got back. I was crying my eyes out and kept telling him I can’t hear her like that…I can’t hear her like that. He, being a blunt man just straightened me out, hugged me and said “Well…..QUIT WALKING DOWN THERE THEN!” Haha! So I paced in circles in the room-about a four foot area! Haha! All of the sudden I heard chimes! When a baby is born they play chimes. I ran to the door-the nurses station was right across the hall. I said “Is that mine???” She just nodded yes and smiled! So then began the waiting of when we could go see them. It was only a minute and they said to go ahead! I always said I was not a runner and that NOTHING in this world would ever make me run. I always joked if someone told me there was a million dollars in my mailbox and it was mine if I just RAN down to get it, that I would pay my son $10,000 to run and get it for me. I run for nothing. Nothing except seeing my new grandson!  I ran! I left Mark in my dust!

He was/is perfect!  What a huge blessing he is,not only to his mommy and daddy but to us and everyone who meets him! It’s really emotional to think of the journey it took for my daughter to be able to hold this baby is her in her arms. The long path she took to get to this very moment in time where she has a baby all her own to cuddle, hold, love, teach.

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Connor has taught me a love I didn’t know existed.  I feel so blessed to be his grandma! It’s going to be such a joy watching my baby raise her baby! There’s nothing we won’t do for him. Whatever he wants-it’s his.

I was blessed to be able to spend some time with them once they got home, to help them get some sleep, help with whatever they needed help with. It’s always heartbreaking for me when I have to leave. I cried at the hospital when we finally headed home after being there basically round the clock for the first two days. Then cried my eyes out when I had to leave them on their own once they were back at their house. My daughters “momma emotions” have kicked in so when we hugged goodbye we both had a puddle of tears. I cry even now as I write this. I will never apologize for my crazy emotions ….I’d rather be known for being over the top than to be nothing at all.

Im so thankful for technology-text messages, the ability to send pictures, face-time, Skype…. There are unlimited ways to stay connected in the times we can’t be together physically. Babies change so much and so quickly. He changed every single day that I saw him…and it reinforced to me how much I may miss. But with the strong connection that I have with my daughter I have no doubt I will be kept as up to date as I can. Here’s a photo of me and my little monkey. I could just squish him….snuggling him is the best feeling ever.

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He is perfect…. Every time I see him or even think of him all I can say is “He…is…perfect!” God makes no mistakes…His plans are always perfect and He sure knew what He was doing when He created this little boy! I’m in love-he is my perfect little grandson.

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✌️

 

 

 

 

No prejudice here -😉- My kids are the best!

Let me tell you about my perfect Mother’s Day & the not so perfect conversation that led up to it.  I have the best kids! This day didn’t come easy though-let me explain!

Anyone who knows me knows that it is super hard to do anything nice for me. I have this huge problem of always wanting to do things for others but never let anyone do anything for me.

The kids wanted to make me dinner. So naturally I try my hardest to just tell them I will pick the things up and they don’t have to worry about it. When that didn’t work I tried making the suggestion that I just at least give some money to pay for the food. When that didn’t work I figure my next line of defense is to try to keep things as simple as I can and suggest “hamburgers and brownies”. Then due to my overthinking I realize hamburger is REALLY expensive right now, so then I tell my daughter to just get whatever the cheapest meat is.

In the midst of all these conversations my daughter is no doubt rolling her eyes and getting madder and madder with each text she receives from me. I continue.

I find out she is planning chicken. Wellllll…when I was at the store it was on sale so I just “grabbed a pack” just in case. She tells me she doesn’t need it. So I throw it in the freezer.

Before I tell you how the rest of this story goes I need to explain.  My daughter is having a baby in 6 short weeks. The baby room is not completed yet and they have other projects to finish also. My son is still getting back on his feet after a shoulder surgery and a winter of no work after his place of employment closed  the doors. So neither are in the perfect place to be spending money on me. We are in a better financial position than we have been in a long time and it just makes more sense to me that we take care of it.

Also let me say, in all honesty even if they were loaded I would still be the same way…I would still have a hard time letting them spend money on me.  I wonder why that is-where that mentality came from…..

Well what came next kinda rocked my world. I get this big long text about what a slap in the face it is when I don’t let people do things for me. Things that *I* taught them how to do. That I taught her how to cook, how to give to people, how to do nice things for people so why won’t I let her use those parts of her heart.

It spiraled into so much more. Things like when her husband tells her she’s beautiful she half heartedly says thanks in a  grumbly kind of way-In a way that tells him she doesn’t believe him. Ouch….. I taught her that! That someday she may have a daughter and when she tells her daughter she is beautiful she may say “No I’m not…you don’t think you are so I’m not either” She told me that her daughter will not only be watching her mommy but will also have her eyes on her grandma and I better get it together.

It all comes back with the fact that I should be proud of who she is and how I raised her not discouraging her. She also reminded me that she witnessed many times that we did for others and gave when money was tight and we made it out just fine. She hit me with one last …”You are robbing me of my blessing by not accepting what im trying to do for you” Oh and to just suck it up and say thank you. Haha! She’s all mine!

Well,  I sucked it up (the best I could) and had to sit in the kitchen and watch my pregnant little daughter stand there and make me dinner. Make all of us dinner. It was FANTASTIC and I appreciate it so, so much! It was so hard to sit there and not help! It’s just in my nature to help-I also was not raised to just sit back and let everyone else do the work. I always got up and helped clear a table, prepare a meal or do the dishes so to take this one day and sit there was hard for me.

The food was great! It was great to have both my kids together-to have them get along! It was perfect! I love them so much! I’m so thankful! I appreciate them so much! And yes I’m even thankful that (when needed) they can help me along just as I’ve tried to do for them. You never get to be done being a parent but at some point in life your kids grow up and can help you too!

✌🏻️

Birthdays, baby showers & new jobs-OH MY

What’s new? Long time no write…. Guess I haven’t had much to say. This months been kinda crazy, getting yard work done from our early spring. It’s been gorgeous here the past week-windows open, 65-70°and sunny. Nothing like last winter when we still had 20+ inches of snow on the ground. Don’t miss that a bit!

We are getting ready for our son-in-laws birthday this weekend. He’s a great guy! We always take the kids out for dinner at the place of their choice for their birthdays. Jordon decided he didn’t want to go out to eat but wanted to have a picnic at the land up north. He’s a simple guy…refreshing sometimes! He sent me his list of what he’d like made. His choices: juicy Lucy hamburgers stuffed with pepper jack cheese, onions and peppers…(cooked over WOOD fire-because he’s primitive 😉) a few different pasta salads, potato salad, baked beans and apple crisp. Weather is supposed to be beautiful that day! Can’t wait! Should be another perfect family day!

Other exciting news is that our son got a new job! Annnnd…it’s close to us! So now all I have to do is get the rest of my family up this way!😊😊😊. He will be coming back to a passion of his, working back in the archery/sporting goods world! He enjoys doing construction right now but it’s already taking a toll on his 20 year young body, and this job is what he’s passionate about. I have no doubt that one Facebook message will send his people running back to him to get their bows fixed from miles around! There will be plenty of room for growth and other opportunity here for him also. It will be a life change and him and his girlfriend will be picking up and moving from an area they’ve become used to. It certainly is a different way of life here. I think it will be good though!

One thing I’ve learned over the years is that a man being truly happy where he’s at in his life means the world. They say if mama ain’t happy….it goes both ways my dear! We missed many an opportunity due to me not willing to move or change, and I can look back now and see how it took a toll on Mark. I can sit and wonder what life may have been like for all of us had I just sacrificed a little and let him be where he could be happy. Maybe things would have played out different. I believe to everything there is a season, maybe that wasn’t our season…maybe we missed the boat. I can tell you with certainty we didn’t miss the last boat & with that we were able to give encouraging advice to our son & also his girlfriend. To our son, that you don’t waste opportunities and if something comes along grab it if it’s what you love…to his girlfriend that even if she may be unsure, to follow the lead of Austin and was able to tell her my story of sacrifice-or not sacrificing.  Austin is the head of his home and at some point will end up married with a family and all these things along the way are building character in him that will carry him through the years.

We gave the kids this advice: the bible says knock and the door will open. We believe that anything you ask God for He will give it to you IF it is within his will for you…that doesn’t mean we ask for a million dollars and poof it’s there..it means ask, and wait. We believe that things that are meant to be will be free and easy. Looking for a job? Ask. When one comes along if it all goes flawlessly  it’s yours! It says knock…it doesn’t say push, bang, knock harder, knock louder, if it don’t open get a bulldozer and knock that baby down….knock, if it’s meant to be the door will flow open freely. We also pray for closed doors if it’s not something that is going to be good.

Finally, this month is the baby shower for our daughter! I cannot wait! I am soooo excited to be a grandma! You just have no idea! It’s so exciting to talk to her everyday and hear how her body is changing, how she’s feeling, what she is going through. I love being around her and Jordon and watching how intently he pays attention to her. He will do anything for her.  He gets her slippers and puts on her feet when she’s cold, opens the window when she’s hot, blankies for her when she gets cold, runs for food, numerous cheese curd stops, won’t let her lift a finger  to carry a bag of groceries in, opens the door for her. It’s endless – and those are all the little things to remember in the grand scheme of things! He truly loves her-it shows! They are going to make great parents! It will be so nice to get together with family and friends at her shower! It’s always a good time and always a good laugh! I can’t wait! We have so much to be grateful for!

Mark and I are still on our diet…oops…lifestyle change. He’s lost 22lbs so far and I’ve lost 16 1/2. Yes I’m counting that half! I worked for it….it’s mine! Haha ! Yesterday was rough. I couldn’t make lettuce taste good anymore. I wanted cake, candy, pizza…coffee with sweet Italian cream…I wanted it all and I …was…crabby…. I would rather have stayed fat yesterday! Mark told me to go ahead and do whatever I wanted but he’s come too far to go back now. I said “oh no…I’m not quitting…I just hate lettuce today…..😢😢😢😢” So for supper we had ….lettuce…haha with turkey taco meat and diced tomatoes. At dinner Mark prayed that my mind would clear and food would taste good to me. It worked. It actually tasted like a meal…not just a salad! Thankful! 🙏 It amazes me that food must have such a hold on me for me to almost CRY over vegetables. Today was better…so we continue. Sunday is our FREE day so look out! Hahaha

✌🏻