Emotionally spent

Here I sit, 12 days since my Gram passed away…unable to cry. I feel completely emotionless, blank, numb.

I’m the one who cries over absolutely everything-commercials on tv, seeing something moving in complete strangers, words to a song, fleeting thoughts—yet one of the most important people in my life has died and I can’t even make the tears come.  What is wrong with me????

I cried in the hospital as I watched my mom and aunt hold her hands as she took her last breath. I cried when my strong uncle grabbed me and hugged me and sobbed. To have my kids there right by my side. I cried with many people that night as we called and let them know what had happened. Then I left the hospital and didn’t shed a tear until the day of the funeral.

I didn’t go in right away to see her. Part of me had made my mind up that I wasn’t going to. I wanted to remember her in a different way. My mom told me that I would probably regret not seeing her, so eventually I did.

Surprisingly, I didn’t cry as much as I anticipated. I don’t know why. I was greeted by a cousin who said something to the tune of me being the one that was going to be really hard to see that day. There were about a half dozen people or so that when I saw them, they didn’t have to say a word and I cried. I cried during the service when they played the video clip I had on my phone of Gram playing her organ singing “Doodley Doo”. To hear her voice again, to see her smile again…..
Then just like that it was over and we were on our way back to my moms house. We talked on the way home about how it didn’t seem real. Mom said that for a second she thought she better call Gram when she gets home to tell her about today—-as if we hadn’t just been at her funeral and wanted to let her know how the day went. Strange.
And since that day-I…have…not…cried. I’ve experienced extreme pain as if my heart is actually breaking but that is as far as it goes.
I was baking Christmas cookies and listening to Christmas music. I’ll be home for Christmas came on. I got THEE most vivid vision that Gramp held his hand out to Gram and she stood and they danced. It was surreal. She stood and they danced-gazing into each others eyes, smiling-singing,as if they KNEW. that “she’d be home for Christmas”….. It was so real. Under normal circumstances the very THOUGHT of that would make me bawl…. just WRITING it would make me bawl. But I can’t… Why?
I feel horrible guilt for not being able to feel emotion through this. Someone soooo special to me….and I can’t cry. I feel that by not crying it is portraying that I don’t care. And I do-boy do I care!

I spoke with a cousin the other day and she had similar feelings- maybe it hadn’t hit her yet, or maybe she was just at such peace. I just don’t know. Gram wouldn’t want me feeling guilty. She’d want me rejoicing that she is free from all the health issues she had and is reunited with so many loved ones.
This feeling of being numb and blank is so foreign to me. I can’t cry- I’m snapping at things, having “who cares” moments, blocking people out, all of that and more, along with being incredibly thankful that I had the time with Gram that I did.
Wishing that if only I could have known this was going to happen I would have kept her living with us for a few months longer. In the back of my mind I always wondered if she would pass away while living with us. Was she at our house for a reason and was that to make her final months the best they could be for her? She loved it here and what better place for her be? But I can’t live in the “what ifs” or “hmmms” or “should we haves”.
I’m not intentionally being “unfeeling” I am just trying to get through this and figure it all out. It’s been a hell of a year-I love you Gram-more than you ever could have imagined-& Im certain that you will show up in ways that there will be no guessing its you. ❤️ And also, just as importantly I hope I find the old me again-I don’t care for this new one.

✌️

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Who am I 

When you lose …you

If someone were to ask you “Who are you?” How would you respond? This question has haunted me for a long, long time, because I do not know-who…I…am.

I’m sure when put on the spot I would casually say, “Well, I’m Missy. I’m Mark’s wife, Sam & Austins mom, Connors grandma.” Then I am sure you’d say, “Yes you are all of those things, but WHO…ARE…YOU?

I’d probably say something like, “Well, I’m a wife, a mom, a grandma….” You’d stop me and say, “NO… who are you?”

I’d say, “I love to cook and bake, I love to help people. I’m sometimes a people person, sometimes a loner…” You’d say, “I did not ask you what you do, I asked you WHO-ARE-YOU???
I’d probably stare blankly at you now, because the answer to that question is one I do not know. Even writing this I struggle with the answer. I stress over the fact that if anyone were to ever REALLY ask me that question, it’s scary to say I STILL won’t know how to answer.

How do I find the answer? Can anyone really answer that question? And if they can…why can’t I? Where lies the answer to this deep question? Then, out of no where into my mind pops the song “Who am I” by Casting Crowns. God hears us, He hears our cries, He knows exactly what we need-exactly when we need it.

It lies where I knew it lied all along. I guess I don’t really need to know the answer, who am I? Because God knows who I am. That needs to be good enough for me.  Just breathe…

✌️️

Oh Kenny, the things you make me think…

Today as we sat eating supper (my Gram says calling it dinner is for the  “rich folk”-unless it’s Sunday, then it’s dinner)haha- but as we sat eating supper we started having a conversation about our earliest memories. 

Let me rewind a bit. My Gram has been staying with us this entire month after the passing of my grandpa. Yesterday on the radio Kenny Chesneys song “Don’t Blink” came on. That dang Kenny gets me every time. I’ve written about it before-first your kids are little then all grown with their own, don’t blink, getting poured a glass of milk instead of whiskey, that’s the good stuff, there goes my life, but now that little girl is my whole life, Dangit Kenny! You always make me cry. Oh and want to plant my toes in the water & patoot in the sand and maybe dream about having a beer down in Mexico.

Anyhoo…. I hear the lyrics “a hundred years goes faster than you think, don’t blink”. I was sitting next to my Gram and thought, “Man, she’s 90, I wonder if she’d say it went faster than she thought.” It made me think of how much has changed in her 90 years of life. Then made me wonder to myself what her earliest memory was. She told me it was walking with her dad and she was smarting off, he squeezed her hand and shook it-never said a word, never hollered and it was at that point she knew he meant business and all he had to do was give her a look and she knew she better behave. She figures she was maybe 5 years old. Wow, to remember something some 85 years ago so clearly. 

This made me think of mine. After much brain racking, a few messages and a long phone call to my mom I’ve gotten it narrowed down to around age 3. This was when that nasty mean neighbor boy pushed me down on the sidewalk and split my chin open. I don’t actually remember it happening but I remember the sidewalk and what the house looked like that we lived in. 

That whole conversation sparked so many memories and names of people I’d forgotten about, places we lived, things we did. Flashback for sure. It’s funny the things we remember. The things that stick out to us. 

I hope when I’m 90 ( if I’m blessed enough to make it that long) I have the same recollections as my Gram. I hope I never lose the ability to tell a good story, to make people laugh at all the crazy things that happened to me throughout my life. 

May I appreciate all moments in time, whether good or bad because you don’t get those moments back to redo how you’d handle them. You do the best you can with each day you are given and at the end of it you pat yourself on the back and say way to go, you made it!  With any luck you will have an abundance of wild tales & words of wisdom  to tell your grandkids someday.

✌️

Moments time stood still

Have you ever had things happen in your life that took your breath away? That seemed as though time stood still? Here is a list of some of the things throughout my life where time actually seemed to stop…for even just a brief second that seemed like a thousand years. The times where you always remember where you were when it happened. Where the whole room became silent as if you were the only ones there. In no particular order:

*Seeing my daughters big bright eyes open moments after giving birth to her, looking around,so alert.  Did I just create this beautiful little girl?

*The final push I gave when having Austin. The last push I didn’t think I had in me. Hearing the Dr say, “One more and you’ve got it.” Hearing Mark say “I know you can do this Mis-”

*Hearing my daughter in excruciating pain as she was giving birth to her own baby. Knowing this was one of those moments I couldn’t just rush in and hug her and reassure her it was going to be okay.

*Seeing my grandson Connor for the first time, eyes open laying on his moms chest…my grandson-to finally meet the boy I fell so in love with before I even knew him.

*Finding out I was going to have a baby for the first time. In that split second when I saw the pregnancy test results a flood of emotions from “Oh no!” To “Really?” To “How am I gonna do this?” To “What is Mark gonna think?” To “Wow…really?” All of those emotions seems to flood in at the same exact moment.

*Finding out I lost a baby.

*Finding out God blessed me with another baby on the way.

*Having a procedure done in a Drs office where I almost bled to death. The dr wouldn’t let me call my husband and told me to drive home and take Tylenol. We didn’t have cell phones then. So I listened to him and thankfully I made it. As he hit an artery and I almost passed out from extreme blood loss I saw the room go dark and thought my time had come. What an asshole that dr was!

*Watching my son get wheeled off to have shoulder surgery. There’s nothing like hugging him and seeing him go. I knew he’d be okay but when you see fear in your child’s eyes and can’t do a thing to fix it, it is really hard. Watching him get wheeled off seemed like it took an eternity.

*My first kiss. We played a stupid game where we had to look at each other straight in the eye and whoever looked away first had to kiss the other one. How stupid. I lost,but also didn’t make the first move. Not aggressive that way. Haha

*Seeing who would someday be my future husband for the first time. I was roller skating with a friend and he wheeled by and man did I think he was cute! Who knew? 😉

*The first time my future husband kissed me. I won’t forget. Once again we were roller skating. (it was THEE place to be) I was skating along and he wheeled up in front of me, very cool just turned himself around so he was skating backward so he was facing me- and said “I’m gonna kiss you now.” And he did. And off he went. 😍

*Writing my name with my future husbands last name on everything I owned. Who doesn’t do that?  Don’t say you haven’t done that!

*Hearing my grandma had breast cancer. There are no words when someone you love so much gets news like that. I remember calling her the night before her mastectomy and making sure she knew God and loved Him. I seriously thought she might die in that surgery and I needed to know where she stood.

*Phone calls in the middle of the night from my sister. They were never pleasant. Always scared the day lights out of me. I always regretted those calls but was always glad she called me and I was there.

*Finding out I was going to be a grandma. Numerous times. There is no greater joy than that of a baby. Especially when your babies are having babies.

*Hearing my son for the first time ever be sooo excited about this new girl he met. He brought her to meet us and they really clicked. I remember going to bed that night whispering to my husband “I like her…” And he said “I do too…” I remember calling my daughter saying, “she fits right in, like she’s been here forever.” He’s had other girlfriends but none has he ever spoke so intently about. At the time I thought to myself  “We will see, at first they ALL seem to be ‘the one’…” But hearing him so excited, as never before made me stop and think about his future for a moment and what it  might bring. Now I know that she completes him, and they are getting married!

*Getting life changing news

*Dealing with losses from both my children. There is nothing worse than the calls or messages saying that my children have lost a child. Each and every time my heart felt as though it stopped. I dropped to the ground. I dropped my phone. There’s nothing worse than that feeling of helplessness and that you can’t do a single thing to fix this.

I’m certain there are many more things that made time stand still. These are just a few highlights. The ones that came to mind instantly. I cherish all of them good or bad. They’ve strengthened me. Appreciate everything you go through. They truly all have a purpose.

✌️

Childhood revisited

Lately I’ve been thinking back to my childhood. Thinking of my earliest memories.

I remember getting a spanking from my Grandma because I refused to get out of the swimming pool. She walked right into  the pool with her shoes on and spanked my butt.

I remember living in a trailer court with my Mom and playing outside with friends. I can remember playing in a sandbox with one friend in particular and both of us ate the sand. That’s not just a joke, kids really did that crap! Little did I know that sand eating friend and I would carry that friendship into high school, and get in lots of trouble together! Haha

I remember taking a can of Coke into the bathtub with me, shaking it up and then cracking it open. It sprayed everywhere. But it didn’t matter because…I was in the bathtub!  I’m not exactly sure why I did that…?

I remember moving onto a dead end road. There were all sorts of kids in the neighborhood. We didn’t have playstations or cell phones, computers or electronics. We had kickball, a swimming pool, a park nearby. Most nights you could find us outside playing kickball in our backyard. Our yard was pretty big but if we combined parts of the other two yards we had a pretty huge kickball field. We used to actually enjoy raking leaves just to jump in the piles. We would take turns stuffing each other’s clothing with leaves to make us all look fat. We’d jump in the piles and then rake them all back up again, only to jump in again spreading them all over the yard.

I remember having walnut fights in the backyard. Picking up those green fuzzy balls and nailing each other with them. Man did that hurt!

I remember an old abandoned building in our backyard. We used to go inside and hang out. It was really kinda creepy but yet we felt so cool to hang out in there. Until one day we climbed up top in the rafters and one of the kids started to fall,grabbed a wire which turned out to be electrified. He got shocked very bad and fell to the ground. That was a pretty scary thing! He ended up being just fine.

I remember going swimming every single day in the summer unless it was raining. At the 3:00 break we would sneak down to the park and swim at the old swimming hole that my mom and her friends used to swim at. We were told to never swim there, that it was dangerous. Probably why it seemed more enticing to do it.

I remember at one point telling my mom I was running away. She didn’t try to stop me! I kept telling her “I’m really going to you know!” She said something to the tune of “Ok, I hope no on kidnaps you!” I remember packing my little blue suitcase and walking to the end of our dead end road. I got to the end where it met the highway and sat on the curb. Where did I think I was going? I sat for a while and noticed a few cars slowing and staring. What if my mom was right? Did they want to kidnap me? So I decided to go back home. I walked in and remember mumbling something like “I don’t feel like going today, maybe tomorrow.” Haha

I remember sitting on the toilet singing my heart out only to get the crap scared out of me by my little sister who was hiding in the closet in the bathroom. She jumped out and I about died!

I remember babysitting for cousins way before I should have been old enough to,but doing just fine! I credit my love for kids and wanting to nurture everyone to that very thing.

I remember Christmases at my Grandmas house where there was an adult table and a kids table. I remember pranking my cousin all the time! We’d make up excuses for her to go ask the adults something and we would put salt in her milk. She’d come back and take a drink and whine and get mad at us. We’d laugh and laugh. Then when she went to tattle on us we’d pour more in! She fell for it every time! It never-got-old!

I remember spending time at my grandmas with cousins and playing in the snow. Because I was the oldest I had to pull my cousins around on the sled. The sled…that was actually a flattened out cardboard box…that you couldn’t pull, you had to push. Because it wasn’t a sled, it was a cardboard box… And not very easy to push either by the way. And I always pushed because I was the oldest…. That really sucked. Haha

I remember skipping confirmation to go to the corner gas station to buy candy.

I remember babysitting my sister and brother and talking on the phone allllll night while my parents were gone. I also remember one time imparticular that my sister decided to make a cake while I was on the phone. She decided to make it on the kitchen floor. She took all sorts of crap out of the cupboard, dumped it on the floor and mixed it up…with her hands.  What a mess. I couldn’t even tattle on her because I was supposed to be watching her. Haha

It’s funny, I didn’t think I could remember that much about my childhood. I always thought it must have been really boring,that nothing really stood out. One of my own kids even says all the time how she remembers very little of her childhood. But I’m here to tell you if you quiet yourself and allow yourself to just think….it will come to you. Things you thought you’d never remember will come back to you. Some of the dumbest little things…like shaking a can of Coke in the bathtub or singing your heart out on the toilet. It all comes back, and you realize that you made some pretty great memories as a child,that there is always something to appreciate about your upbringing and your younger self.

Challenge: reflect on your childhood and what made it so great. There’s always something to appreciate in life. Always.

Christmas~Family~Legacies

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Absolutely one of my favorite times of the year. There’s really something magical about Christmas! (When things are going well that is….my blog from last years Christmas was not as happy!) I just love throwing on some Kenny G and digging Christmas decorations out. Just makes me mellow.

I used to love when the kids would line up all their ornaments on the floor, reminiscing about each one. I went through various stages at Christmastime as we became empty nesters. Our first year here as empty nesters I cried doing all this because I still had my sons ornaments (our daughter had been on her own for a few years and had all hers-although the first year I put the tree up without hers was equally as hard!). I remember thinking back to each one remembering details of why they got the ornament they did that year. So I cried. The second year here my son now had his ornaments, so I was a bit more used to it but the kids weren’t getting along and that made me mad…I didn’t have the Christmas spirit- I was bitter and angry and actually took the tree down before Christmas even came! So I cried. This third year here I started thinking about putting the tree up so I sent my son a message telling him if he felt like he was missing out on Kenny G and me bawling my head off he was welcome to come up for the day! Haha ! Well little did I know he decided to come up and help me put up and decorate the tree!  He and his fiancé! I know he could have been doing a ton of other things and I know just the thought of Kenny G makes his ears bleed but he was a trooper! I appreciated that so much! The gift of time is a precious thing!

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This was our grandsons first Christmas. It was so fun! He’s at a very fun stage right now where his mind is so curious and he’s so active. As all kids he could have cared less about his gifts and more so loved the paper. His obsession right now is cell phones, laptop cords, all the things he is not supposed to have. He is perfect, and so much fun! He also got his first haircut (at 6 mos old)and has just recently started eating solid food. He enjoyed some morning playtime with Uncle Austin and loves when he hears Auntie Allyshas voice! He was a bit taken with her this weekend! Let me thank my beautiful daughter and son in law, without who we would not have this beautiful bundle of joy!  

     

    This was our first year hosting Christmas with my side of the family and had a great turnout. A few families could not make it and they certainly were missed, but we still ended up with about 22. Lots of food, lots of fun! Games and outdoor play for the kids, fellowship and cameraderie for the adults.

img_0689 It was great to spend time with family, especially my Gram who will be turning 90. Still full of spit and vinegar now more than ever! We had lots of fun doing selfies with Gram!  image

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My niece was born on Christmas Day so I always feel bad for her having to celebrate both at the same time. Although my daughter phrased it perfectly- “You are so special that God chose you to share the same birthday with His Son.” I like to try to keep things separate for her and make it as special as I can. She got an amazing new flat iron from Sam and Jordon and a girly goodie basket and things from us. We took her out for dinner and they gave her an Oreo ice cream drink. I was very thankful to have some time with her! She always puts others ahead of herself, would rather give than receive, and it was great to spoil her a bit and make it about only her!          The weekend ended with all of us in the man cave playing cards and just hanging out! Absolutely LOVE weekends like this!

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I am very thankful to be able to spend as much time with my family as I do. You hope you make a difference in their lives when you see them and that you are creating a legacy that they will remember throughout their lives.  It makes my heart happy to spend time with them, to see them making it, making good choices, living happy lives, doing the right things regardless of their circumstances.  My husband reassured and told me this weekend as I got emotional over so many things that I was seeing the fruits of my labor in action this weekend, that living by example is such a profound thing. That there is always someone watching how you live, how you choose to deal.

I am so blessed! I hope you all had a great Christmas and that it carries into the new year!

✌🏻

*side note* Allysha LOVED her new selfie stick! 😜

Thanksgiving 2015

Happy belated Thansgiving!  It was yet another perfect day for our family! Great food & camaraderie.

Our daughter Sam and her husband hosted Thanksgiving  this year at their house. It was a special one as it was our grandson Connors first Thanksgiving.   What a cutie, huh?

We had sooo much food! Everything was so good! Everyone brought a dish to pass to help out. We had turkey, mashed potatoes and gravy, sweet potatoes, corn, cranberry sauce, buns, stuffing, pumpkin, pecan and apple pie. Needless to say naps followed.   

 It’s such a great time of year. A time for family, traditions and making memories.   It’s always fun to get together. Our son is engaged, our daughter and her husband still pretty newly married, and always fun to see how everyones families celebrate. Even though we seem to do the same things it’s nice to have that routine. It’s nice to show what is important to our family and what we hold dear. From preparing the meals, to watching the men with their full bellies meander to the living room while the ladies clean up and have great conversations there also. Not that it’s just a woman’s place to be in the kitchen & a mans on the couch– haha! Call me old fashioned, I just enjoy the cameraderie amongst the girls. We hope that we leave a legacy of just wanting to be together through life’s events.  It’s our greatest wish that family would be priority to all, no matter the event. 

I’m so blessed and trying super hard to incorporate that thankful feeling all year long. I have so much to be thankful for…we all do. It’s so much more than just a day. 

🍂🍁🍂