Emotionally spent

Here I sit, 12 days since my Gram passed away…unable to cry. I feel completely emotionless, blank, numb.

I’m the one who cries over absolutely everything-commercials on tv, seeing something moving in complete strangers, words to a song, fleeting thoughts—yet one of the most important people in my life has died and I can’t even make the tears come.  What is wrong with me????

I cried in the hospital as I watched my mom and aunt hold her hands as she took her last breath. I cried when my strong uncle grabbed me and hugged me and sobbed. To have my kids there right by my side. I cried with many people that night as we called and let them know what had happened. Then I left the hospital and didn’t shed a tear until the day of the funeral.

I didn’t go in right away to see her. Part of me had made my mind up that I wasn’t going to. I wanted to remember her in a different way. My mom told me that I would probably regret not seeing her, so eventually I did.

Surprisingly, I didn’t cry as much as I anticipated. I don’t know why. I was greeted by a cousin who said something to the tune of me being the one that was going to be really hard to see that day. There were about a half dozen people or so that when I saw them, they didn’t have to say a word and I cried. I cried during the service when they played the video clip I had on my phone of Gram playing her organ singing “Doodley Doo”. To hear her voice again, to see her smile again…..
Then just like that it was over and we were on our way back to my moms house. We talked on the way home about how it didn’t seem real. Mom said that for a second she thought she better call Gram when she gets home to tell her about today—-as if we hadn’t just been at her funeral and wanted to let her know how the day went. Strange.
And since that day-I…have…not…cried. I’ve experienced extreme pain as if my heart is actually breaking but that is as far as it goes.
I was baking Christmas cookies and listening to Christmas music. I’ll be home for Christmas came on. I got THEE most vivid vision that Gramp held his hand out to Gram and she stood and they danced. It was surreal. She stood and they danced-gazing into each others eyes, smiling-singing,as if they KNEW. that “she’d be home for Christmas”….. It was so real. Under normal circumstances the very THOUGHT of that would make me bawl…. just WRITING it would make me bawl. But I can’t… Why?
I feel horrible guilt for not being able to feel emotion through this. Someone soooo special to me….and I can’t cry. I feel that by not crying it is portraying that I don’t care. And I do-boy do I care!

I spoke with a cousin the other day and she had similar feelings- maybe it hadn’t hit her yet, or maybe she was just at such peace. I just don’t know. Gram wouldn’t want me feeling guilty. She’d want me rejoicing that she is free from all the health issues she had and is reunited with so many loved ones.
This feeling of being numb and blank is so foreign to me. I can’t cry- I’m snapping at things, having “who cares” moments, blocking people out, all of that and more, along with being incredibly thankful that I had the time with Gram that I did.
Wishing that if only I could have known this was going to happen I would have kept her living with us for a few months longer. In the back of my mind I always wondered if she would pass away while living with us. Was she at our house for a reason and was that to make her final months the best they could be for her? She loved it here and what better place for her be? But I can’t live in the “what ifs” or “hmmms” or “should we haves”.
I’m not intentionally being “unfeeling” I am just trying to get through this and figure it all out. It’s been a hell of a year-I love you Gram-more than you ever could have imagined-& Im certain that you will show up in ways that there will be no guessing its you. ❤️ And also, just as importantly I hope I find the old me again-I don’t care for this new one.

✌️

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Happy birthday Mom! 🎈


Happy birthday Mom! 🎉To the woman who always puts everyone’s needs ahead of her own. Some call that enabling. I say there are far worse things. I will justify my enabling to the very end, whether it is right or wrong. The apple doesn’t fall far. There’s nothing I won’t do for my family and I had to learn that someplace. I didn’t learn to be selfish, I learned to take care of people. I enjoy taking care of people,  I think she does too. Maybe the biggest downfall is continuing to do so while occasionally getting taken advantage of. But we press on and the next time someone wants or needs something we’re there.

 
My mom is the first one to bring yummy baked goods to any and every occasion/non-occasion. She loves to bake, is truly amazing at it and loves to just drop off goodies for no special reason at all. I truly believe this will be part of her legacy. Her love comes through in her baking. God sure has blessed her to be an amazing baker! People aren’t kidding when they say people love through food.

 
My mom will do anything for anyone. She really does have a big heart, although she doesn’t share it freely. There’s a tough outer layer that must be broken through first. She’s usually the first on the scene for urgent matters, and the one who sticks it out for the long haul and sees things through til they are finished. She may not always show that emotional, soft side-but trust me, it’s there. Being a grandma has softened her.

 
I may not always act like it or say it as much as I should but I am very thankful for her. I’m thankful that I’ve been able to learn so much from her through good and hard times. Ive been taught some pretty great life skills, and hard times taught me that we all have times when we could do better and to never stop trying to do just that.

 
My mom taught me at a young age to be hospitable, maybe not even through telling me but showing me.  To help clear the table at family functions and help with dishes even the other kids (even some adults) would run off.
She taught me that yes, chips and dip & Coke make perfectly suitable meals when you’re having a bachelorette weekend.

 
She taught me the wealth of knowing how to take anything in your kitchen and turn it into a meal. So now I’m known from my hubby as the woman who could feed 50 with a potato and a hot dog.

 
It’s my dream and goal of mine to be able to take my mom on a vacation someday. A vacation where we actually have to get on a plane and leave town. She will never do that for herself. To a place where she can feel what it’s like to just let loose and have fun.

 
She taught me last but not least, that no matter what hand life deals you, to put on whatever face you need to & you will make it. There’s ups and downs all along the way but you–will–make it. That the good far outweighs the bad. So here’s to you Mom! Happy Birthday! Enjoy your day! 💞

✌🏻

Moments time stood still

Have you ever had things happen in your life that took your breath away? That seemed as though time stood still? Here is a list of some of the things throughout my life where time actually seemed to stop…for even just a brief second that seemed like a thousand years. The times where you always remember where you were when it happened. Where the whole room became silent as if you were the only ones there. In no particular order:

*Seeing my daughters big bright eyes open moments after giving birth to her, looking around,so alert.  Did I just create this beautiful little girl?

*The final push I gave when having Austin. The last push I didn’t think I had in me. Hearing the Dr say, “One more and you’ve got it.” Hearing Mark say “I know you can do this Mis-”

*Hearing my daughter in excruciating pain as she was giving birth to her own baby. Knowing this was one of those moments I couldn’t just rush in and hug her and reassure her it was going to be okay.

*Seeing my grandson Connor for the first time, eyes open laying on his moms chest…my grandson-to finally meet the boy I fell so in love with before I even knew him.

*Finding out I was going to have a baby for the first time. In that split second when I saw the pregnancy test results a flood of emotions from “Oh no!” To “Really?” To “How am I gonna do this?” To “What is Mark gonna think?” To “Wow…really?” All of those emotions seems to flood in at the same exact moment.

*Finding out I lost a baby.

*Finding out God blessed me with another baby on the way.

*Having a procedure done in a Drs office where I almost bled to death. The dr wouldn’t let me call my husband and told me to drive home and take Tylenol. We didn’t have cell phones then. So I listened to him and thankfully I made it. As he hit an artery and I almost passed out from extreme blood loss I saw the room go dark and thought my time had come. What an asshole that dr was!

*Watching my son get wheeled off to have shoulder surgery. There’s nothing like hugging him and seeing him go. I knew he’d be okay but when you see fear in your child’s eyes and can’t do a thing to fix it, it is really hard. Watching him get wheeled off seemed like it took an eternity.

*My first kiss. We played a stupid game where we had to look at each other straight in the eye and whoever looked away first had to kiss the other one. How stupid. I lost,but also didn’t make the first move. Not aggressive that way. Haha

*Seeing who would someday be my future husband for the first time. I was roller skating with a friend and he wheeled by and man did I think he was cute! Who knew? 😉

*The first time my future husband kissed me. I won’t forget. Once again we were roller skating. (it was THEE place to be) I was skating along and he wheeled up in front of me, very cool just turned himself around so he was skating backward so he was facing me- and said “I’m gonna kiss you now.” And he did. And off he went. 😍

*Writing my name with my future husbands last name on everything I owned. Who doesn’t do that?  Don’t say you haven’t done that!

*Hearing my grandma had breast cancer. There are no words when someone you love so much gets news like that. I remember calling her the night before her mastectomy and making sure she knew God and loved Him. I seriously thought she might die in that surgery and I needed to know where she stood.

*Phone calls in the middle of the night from my sister. They were never pleasant. Always scared the day lights out of me. I always regretted those calls but was always glad she called me and I was there.

*Finding out I was going to be a grandma. Numerous times. There is no greater joy than that of a baby. Especially when your babies are having babies.

*Hearing my son for the first time ever be sooo excited about this new girl he met. He brought her to meet us and they really clicked. I remember going to bed that night whispering to my husband “I like her…” And he said “I do too…” I remember calling my daughter saying, “she fits right in, like she’s been here forever.” He’s had other girlfriends but none has he ever spoke so intently about. At the time I thought to myself  “We will see, at first they ALL seem to be ‘the one’…” But hearing him so excited, as never before made me stop and think about his future for a moment and what it  might bring. Now I know that she completes him, and they are getting married!

*Getting life changing news

*Dealing with losses from both my children. There is nothing worse than the calls or messages saying that my children have lost a child. Each and every time my heart felt as though it stopped. I dropped to the ground. I dropped my phone. There’s nothing worse than that feeling of helplessness and that you can’t do a single thing to fix this.

I’m certain there are many more things that made time stand still. These are just a few highlights. The ones that came to mind instantly. I cherish all of them good or bad. They’ve strengthened me. Appreciate everything you go through. They truly all have a purpose.

✌️

Chasing life

Every once in a while you run across something that rocks your entire world. Something that really makes you think. In my case it happens to be a tv show. A series on Netflix of all things. It’s really amazing how a TV show can impact you so profoundly. I guess you have to be in the right frame of mind to accept it though. 

Chasing Life….. In the last two days I watched the entire season. Don’t judge. I have no responsibilities right now as my husband was gone on a hunting trip, I have no kids in the house anymore, my only responsibility is me…and my dog-who eats, sleeps & poops and starts the whole process over again, and honestly I’m the simplest person in the world to take care of-totally content eating cereal for supper or chips and dip for breakfast. I’m pretty easy to take care of. 

This show sucked me in. It’s about a girl who has been diagnosed with leukemia. Long story short, it’s about living in the moment because you just never know. It seems so cliche to always be preaching the whole “live each moment like it was your last” and as I said before sometimes you have to be in the right mind frame to accept things and to allow them to make a difference. 

One character in the show had brain cancer. He spent his time making other people’s last wishes come true, making the end for them the best it could be. Never worried about himself-had the attitude he wasn’t going to be around anyway so he didn’t matter. But what happened was he found worth, he found value and his attitude changed. He always put others first but found happiness for himself along the way. He had the attitude that he was going to live in the moment, because a moment is just that and can be gone before you know it. He did crazy things, he broke rules, he had fun and most importantly he lived…if you can’t be crazy in the moment with people you love then what’s the point? I’m not saying you should blatantly disregard responsibilities, be totally irresponsible, neglect what’s “right”…but there has to be much freedom in just once in a while saying the heck with it all and living in the moment. 

Do things in the moment that feel right & understand that where you are right now, this very second is where your are supposed to be.  Wanna tell someone how you feel? Tell them. Wanna hug someone or kiss someone? Do it. Wanna help someone with something? Help. Something you need to say? Say it.  Fall. Be vulnerable. Laugh! Say something stupid & not care what people might think. Maybe for once in your life—be honest. Mistakes made are all part of your story. What kind of legacy do you want to leave behind? It shouldn’t take cancer to make a person live. 

One thing is for sure-this worldly life here on earth is short. Why not make the most of it? Dont wait for cancer to come and steal your joy-or anything or anyone else for that matter. LIVE! Have fun! Be spontaneous! Leave a legacy that will make your kids, grandkids & generations to come be proud! Let them say “Whatever he/she had…I want that!” Just get out there and live! (Says the girl who just binge watched 21 episodes of Chasing Life😉) And if you choose to spend your time this way-more power to ya! Just do it! Whatever “it” is….do it. 

Peace! ✌🏻️

🎶Living on the inside roaring like a lion-Gods not dead🎶

This is my Saturday-

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Well, yes I’m a day late & a dollar short but I am  FINALLY watching the movie God’s Not Dead. It’s that kind of day! Cozying up on the couch, wrapped in a blanket, hubby by my side. To any who haven’t seen it, I highly recommend it!

This is movie made me think of different things on soooo many levels. A question I’ve always had and even struggled with at times is the same question as a man in this movie. He sits visiting his mother in a nursing home and is asking her why she is in the situation she is in…that she is the nicest lady to walk the earth, prayed and was faithful her entire life and now has dementia….and he is quite opposite, and “seems” to have the world by the balls. I’ve struggled with a similar question throughout different times in my life.

I used to work for a man who I claimed to be the spawn of satan himself. Despite the fact that he became a horrible person, cheated on his wife, was arrogant and prideful, was an all together dirty player he kept climbing the ladder, being promoted, making more money, seemed to be getting  more blessed as each day passed. He KNEW the truth, he KNEW God at one point in his life very well. Something along the way changed him and he , the once born again Christian, self declared he knew he was going to hell and that was fine…that was the way it was. And was OKAY with it! When I, a “fellow” Christian called him out on his bull(as we are called to do) the tables turned and all of a sudden *I* was the bad one… People turned on ME…I became the crazy one who had somehow “stepped over the line”. Why….why does this happen? Like the rich get richer, the poor get poorer, the evil people in this world seem to prosper while the ones who try to do right seems to get shoved aside. Why- had been my question. In this movie, the mother with dementia tells her son that “Sometimes the devil allows people a life free of trouble cause he doesn’t want them turning to God”. Interesting. The devil sure does want to hold on to as many who will follow him, making it easy to stay on the low road… I’m sure that the devil tries to keep some people away from God because he knows that as powerful as they can be as creeps they could also be as powerful to the good. Hmmm….

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I always find find it interesting that people(even myself) continually question God. Question things/circumstances in their life. Why am I stuck in this job, why won’t my house sell, why did this happen to me, why am I stuck here, why did my relationship fail, why is this person not in my life anymore, why is this person now IN my life,  why this, why that, why, why, why? Its easier for me to GIVE this advice than to take it, but I DO believe it and every single time I question things and look back it makes sense. I wholeheartedly believe everything happens for a reason, and sometimes we never find out that reason, but God knows all! ALL! He knows where you’ve come from, He knows where you’re headed. Sometimes things don’t work according to our plans because God has a different one. A better one. Sometimes this thing called “divine intervention” happens. God sees what’s ahead and if it’s a train wreck then He sometimes casually pulls the lever and changes our course…. Switches us to a different set of tracks…puts us back on the right path. We must trust the process because His plan is soooo much better than ours!

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I give lots of credit to the student in this movie who, without fail stood up for what he believed in and didn’t count the cost. He KNEW that God had his back and had a divine plan… As long as he was faithful to what he believed to be true. Matthew 10:33–“Whosoever shall deny me before men, him will I also deny before my Father which is in heaven. ” There was no way this kid was gonna deny his beliefs or his God.  Is it easy to do what’s right all the time? Heck no!  But it’s great to know that I serve a loving God who knows every fiber of my being and still loves me….and still gives me those little nudges pushing me in the right direction, and when I choose the wrong direction He gently sets me back on track ready for the next life lesson. In the lyrics of the Newsboys- 🎶My Gods not dead, He’s surely alive….living on the inside…🎶

Roaring like a lion….

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✌️