Emotionally spent

Here I sit, 12 days since my Gram passed away…unable to cry. I feel completely emotionless, blank, numb.

I’m the one who cries over absolutely everything-commercials on tv, seeing something moving in complete strangers, words to a song, fleeting thoughts—yet one of the most important people in my life has died and I can’t even make the tears come.  What is wrong with me????

I cried in the hospital as I watched my mom and aunt hold her hands as she took her last breath. I cried when my strong uncle grabbed me and hugged me and sobbed. To have my kids there right by my side. I cried with many people that night as we called and let them know what had happened. Then I left the hospital and didn’t shed a tear until the day of the funeral.

I didn’t go in right away to see her. Part of me had made my mind up that I wasn’t going to. I wanted to remember her in a different way. My mom told me that I would probably regret not seeing her, so eventually I did.

Surprisingly, I didn’t cry as much as I anticipated. I don’t know why. I was greeted by a cousin who said something to the tune of me being the one that was going to be really hard to see that day. There were about a half dozen people or so that when I saw them, they didn’t have to say a word and I cried. I cried during the service when they played the video clip I had on my phone of Gram playing her organ singing “Doodley Doo”. To hear her voice again, to see her smile again…..
Then just like that it was over and we were on our way back to my moms house. We talked on the way home about how it didn’t seem real. Mom said that for a second she thought she better call Gram when she gets home to tell her about today—-as if we hadn’t just been at her funeral and wanted to let her know how the day went. Strange.
And since that day-I…have…not…cried. I’ve experienced extreme pain as if my heart is actually breaking but that is as far as it goes.
I was baking Christmas cookies and listening to Christmas music. I’ll be home for Christmas came on. I got THEE most vivid vision that Gramp held his hand out to Gram and she stood and they danced. It was surreal. She stood and they danced-gazing into each others eyes, smiling-singing,as if they KNEW. that “she’d be home for Christmas”….. It was so real. Under normal circumstances the very THOUGHT of that would make me bawl…. just WRITING it would make me bawl. But I can’t… Why?
I feel horrible guilt for not being able to feel emotion through this. Someone soooo special to me….and I can’t cry. I feel that by not crying it is portraying that I don’t care. And I do-boy do I care!

I spoke with a cousin the other day and she had similar feelings- maybe it hadn’t hit her yet, or maybe she was just at such peace. I just don’t know. Gram wouldn’t want me feeling guilty. She’d want me rejoicing that she is free from all the health issues she had and is reunited with so many loved ones.
This feeling of being numb and blank is so foreign to me. I can’t cry- I’m snapping at things, having “who cares” moments, blocking people out, all of that and more, along with being incredibly thankful that I had the time with Gram that I did.
Wishing that if only I could have known this was going to happen I would have kept her living with us for a few months longer. In the back of my mind I always wondered if she would pass away while living with us. Was she at our house for a reason and was that to make her final months the best they could be for her? She loved it here and what better place for her be? But I can’t live in the “what ifs” or “hmmms” or “should we haves”.
I’m not intentionally being “unfeeling” I am just trying to get through this and figure it all out. It’s been a hell of a year-I love you Gram-more than you ever could have imagined-& Im certain that you will show up in ways that there will be no guessing its you. ❤️ And also, just as importantly I hope I find the old me again-I don’t care for this new one.

✌️

🎶Living on the inside roaring like a lion-Gods not dead🎶

This is my Saturday-

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Well, yes I’m a day late & a dollar short but I am  FINALLY watching the movie God’s Not Dead. It’s that kind of day! Cozying up on the couch, wrapped in a blanket, hubby by my side. To any who haven’t seen it, I highly recommend it!

This is movie made me think of different things on soooo many levels. A question I’ve always had and even struggled with at times is the same question as a man in this movie. He sits visiting his mother in a nursing home and is asking her why she is in the situation she is in…that she is the nicest lady to walk the earth, prayed and was faithful her entire life and now has dementia….and he is quite opposite, and “seems” to have the world by the balls. I’ve struggled with a similar question throughout different times in my life.

I used to work for a man who I claimed to be the spawn of satan himself. Despite the fact that he became a horrible person, cheated on his wife, was arrogant and prideful, was an all together dirty player he kept climbing the ladder, being promoted, making more money, seemed to be getting  more blessed as each day passed. He KNEW the truth, he KNEW God at one point in his life very well. Something along the way changed him and he , the once born again Christian, self declared he knew he was going to hell and that was fine…that was the way it was. And was OKAY with it! When I, a “fellow” Christian called him out on his bull(as we are called to do) the tables turned and all of a sudden *I* was the bad one… People turned on ME…I became the crazy one who had somehow “stepped over the line”. Why….why does this happen? Like the rich get richer, the poor get poorer, the evil people in this world seem to prosper while the ones who try to do right seems to get shoved aside. Why- had been my question. In this movie, the mother with dementia tells her son that “Sometimes the devil allows people a life free of trouble cause he doesn’t want them turning to God”. Interesting. The devil sure does want to hold on to as many who will follow him, making it easy to stay on the low road… I’m sure that the devil tries to keep some people away from God because he knows that as powerful as they can be as creeps they could also be as powerful to the good. Hmmm….

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I always find find it interesting that people(even myself) continually question God. Question things/circumstances in their life. Why am I stuck in this job, why won’t my house sell, why did this happen to me, why am I stuck here, why did my relationship fail, why is this person not in my life anymore, why is this person now IN my life,  why this, why that, why, why, why? Its easier for me to GIVE this advice than to take it, but I DO believe it and every single time I question things and look back it makes sense. I wholeheartedly believe everything happens for a reason, and sometimes we never find out that reason, but God knows all! ALL! He knows where you’ve come from, He knows where you’re headed. Sometimes things don’t work according to our plans because God has a different one. A better one. Sometimes this thing called “divine intervention” happens. God sees what’s ahead and if it’s a train wreck then He sometimes casually pulls the lever and changes our course…. Switches us to a different set of tracks…puts us back on the right path. We must trust the process because His plan is soooo much better than ours!

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I give lots of credit to the student in this movie who, without fail stood up for what he believed in and didn’t count the cost. He KNEW that God had his back and had a divine plan… As long as he was faithful to what he believed to be true. Matthew 10:33–“Whosoever shall deny me before men, him will I also deny before my Father which is in heaven. ” There was no way this kid was gonna deny his beliefs or his God.  Is it easy to do what’s right all the time? Heck no!  But it’s great to know that I serve a loving God who knows every fiber of my being and still loves me….and still gives me those little nudges pushing me in the right direction, and when I choose the wrong direction He gently sets me back on track ready for the next life lesson. In the lyrics of the Newsboys- 🎶My Gods not dead, He’s surely alive….living on the inside…🎶

Roaring like a lion….

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✌️