Keepin’ it real

Hmmph… I just don’t know where to begin. I just realized that I wrote in  my Christmas letter that 2014 was great. Ha! What a joke! PARTS of it were great but at least half just plain sucked!!Let me start I guess by saying that it is really hard sometimes to be yourself. To just be you. When I write, I write about things that really mean something to me, that really matter. Yet there is a fine line between putting it all out there and being real or putting it all out there and just sugar coating it- faking it. I wanted to blog because I wanted to vent. I wanted a place to write whatever I pleased with no repercussions. However I have family that reads my blog and sometimes it’s just not easy to put out there exactly how I truly feel. So here goes. Lately this is how I feel:

 

Overall this month has literally just drained me. I put the tree up a few weeks before Christmas and  didn’t even want to but felt I should because that is what you do. You put the tree up, decorate it, bake cookies, send Christmas cards…. If you’re me, you play Kenny G, cry and have some wintery, Christmasy scent piping through your house.

I actually took the tree down the day before Christmas Eve. I was over it. I actually forcefully took the ornaments off, messily wrapped the lights up and basically shoved the branches in the Rubbermaid container and tossed it down the stairs. I felt enraged. I felt so much better when it was out of sight. (So not like me)

My kids have been at odds and it seems there are just always issues. With them, with me, in general.  I don’t want anyone to think that we should be like Ward and June Cleaver… We aren’t perfect. I don’t bake cookies in an apron and have the newspaper waiting for my husband on his easy chair while he smokes his pipe. I don’t expect us to be perfect. I do know when the rubber hits the road my kids have each other’s backs, I just wish they could have each other’s backs every day.

It’s been brought to my attention that I need to stop being my kids friend and start being their mom, I need to harp less and mind my own business more, that I need to re-read some of my blogs and find “THAT” person…. But who is that person? I’m Marks wife…Sam and Austins mom… But  who am I? I will tell you who I am. I’m an enabler,a wife who really puts her husband through hell and it absolutely cuts me to the core, yet day to day nothing changes…I’m the one who will remind you constantly about all the things you should have done/should be doing….and never let you just “figure it out ” –learn—because I wanna spare you any discomfort or uneasiness. I physically get sick. I withdraw, get angry, sad. I’ve somehow made my kids happiness the source of my own and I’m not sure how to correct that at this point.

Over the past few weeks I really thought I was having a nervous breakdown. Literally! I wanted to crawl in a hole and disappear. I didn’t answer my phone, I slept a lot. I was having a huge pity party and the only one on the guest list was me. Boy was it fun!

I was basically just checked out. In a funk. Over it . Done. I missed the first Christmas Eve ever with my family ( mom, sister, niece, nephew, grandma etc) and that was hard. We ended up having Christmas eve with our kids at our daughters house and it was a nice night.

To avoid making this a complete downer I will end with these things…at the end of the day I’m blessed. I see pics like this and am reminded of my little boy who didn’t have a care in the world other than doing his best to be awesome. A time I wish I hadn’t taken so for granted.

Then I see pics like this of my daughter carrying her own bundle of joy and know that I will soon be a grandma and what a joy that will be! How long I’ve waited for my kids to be able to share in one of the greatest moments ever!

Then I read things like this and know that if we are blessed to be given another day, another chance to try to make things right, to try to make better choices, we best embrace it.

I’m still dealing with a lot of junk. A lot of pride. So much more than just my kids arguing.  I’m not sure when I will be over it all. If ever. All I can say is I try to deal with things the best way I know how. Right or wrong. There are still parts of me that are very private, that will continue to be. I have skeletons in my closet that will hopefully always remain there. Im sure I’m still gonna handle things wrong…make bad choices…I hope I can figure it out without missing too much along the way. I hope I can learn to find my own true happiness not just through the happiness of my kids. I have much to be thankful for and could lose it all so easily. So it’s probably time to figure out how to snap the eff out of it. Until then… 

✌️Peace!